although my in laws are no longer around to traumatise anymore, their words have left a lasting effect on me. but this time round, instead of blaming them for all the pain i'm still going through, i blame myself mostly for it because i'm the one who allowed their words to have an effect on me. i'm the one who is unable to ignore their hurting words and carry on with my life as it has been before.
as i now sit in front of the computer crying uncontrollably from the accumulated lack of proper rest, mistreatment, guilt, and bottled up sufferings, the last thing i want is to prove their words right. they have said many hurtful things about me to me, either indirectly, or directly. but the one thing that hurts me the most is accusing me of causing my husband's faltering health, and being a heavy burden on him. yes, i am aware that i am a burden on him because of my condition..but it is utterly unfair to put all the blame on me when i've been doing everything i can to ensure that he is in good health. while they were not here, i was the one who took the effort to cook him well-balanced meals every weekday so he would have something healthy to eat at work, brew him herbal tea whenever he is unwell, and generally care for his wellbeing. i'm even willing to fall sick on his behalf if that means it will keep him healthy. did they ever reflect on themselves and ask if they had been partly responsible for his increased stress and weakening health?
the worst part about this accusation is that it was a constant indirect sarcasm directed at me. i've been hearing it and putting up with it for the second half of their stay here, and there've been so many times i want to retaliate and speak up for myself, but out of respect for their "elderly status", i did not. i kept my silence and continued to let them hurt me with their words. at the same time, i didnt realise i was also allowing them to guilt trip me more and more each day. to the extent that even though their presence is not something i have to worry about anymore, i am still constantly blaming myself for not having taken good care of my husband. i freaked out when he came home last night and told me that he was having a flu...my first immediate thought was "i'm the one who caused it". i did everything i could to help him prevent the flu from getting worse, just so i could rebuke my father-in-law's voice at the back of my head blaming me for his flu. i couldnt defend myself when they were here, so the least i could do for myself is to rebuke the annoying voice that's constantly yakking in my head. i wanted to defend myself so much that i am willing to stay up the whole night to take care of the baby (just so the husband could get some rest) even though i had barely slept nor eaten the previous night and the entire day..i was so exhausted i had fainting spells again. but i was still determined to pull through another restless night and morning myself because i'm not going to cause my husband to become ill.
i know what i'm doing to myself is not the healthiest thing..but i know also that my in laws would rather that my health fails, than my husband's. and the only way i can stop them from accusing me further is for my health to fail (and not my husband's), i think. i might be on my way there in fact..i dropped 8lbs in just 2 days (weight currently still dropping) and i often feel very dizzy. i've also had black stools and lack of appetite sometimes. my vitals were measured to be alright the last time i was in emergency, but i know there is something wrong with my body. i've never experienced symptoms like these before, and i know it could mean something serious. but ironically, i feel more assurance and comfort than concern for my own health..because it's solid evidence that "hey, my health is failing and your son is doing better than me, so your accusations are invalid, ok? stop being sarcastic and pretending to be nice to me in front of your son". but having said this, i am still a little worried if my health continues to deteriorate further..what happens if i faint or die suddenly and no one knows it quick enough to take care of my son? it doesnt matter what happens to me (since my in laws will probably be the happiest if i'm gone), but my son and my husband mean the world to me.
at this point, i'm already used to the idea that they hate me. something my husband disagrees, but still the truth any way. my husband used to disagree with a couple of my views in the past, but it always turns out that i'm right. i'm still constantly amazed at how quickly they turned so bitter and unkind toward me just because they havent really put themselves in my shoes and offered the same level of understanding i've always been giving them. but on the other hand, i am hardly surprised because i know they're unable to since i'm not biologically related to them. they have no obligations to be nice and understanding toward me, and they definitely dont seem to find any problem with that.
thinking back, my mom in law scolded my husband for being useless because he listens to me "all the time" (as if that's real) and shows me love..i wonder if her husband is useless too, since he also listens to her all the time. and really, would she like it if her husband didnt listen to her needs and shows her love? i know those words could be said in the heat of a moment, but these words are a reflection of her thoughts. even if she didnt say it out loud while being angry, it does not mean she is not thinking about it. and that's a very wrong thought to have, in my humble opinion (see how respectful i am)
i cant believe i'm turning as sarcastic as them :-(
the silver lining out of this tragic experience is feeling even closer to my family although we are tens of thousands of miles apart, and knowing that the base hospital has the resources available to support someone like me in my condition, and is very happy to provide them. thanks to doctors who go beyond their call of duty, i dont feel as neglected nor lonely anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment