God is always good

it's been almost 2 weeks since my in laws left..and although this is going to sound mean, but i really am feeling so much better. so much that i dont even feel like contacting the counselor to schedule for a session because i dont see the need to anymore. in this 2 weeks, we've only gone into a serious argument ONCE. ONCE. this has NEVER happened when my in laws were here.

in addition, i also received tremendous support from strangers this 2 weeks. my assigned doctor from Flight Medicine and his lovely family turned out to be angels sent from God. not only did he try to treat me of PPD, he also offered to pray for my situation and got his wife to be my listening ear and bible study buddy. i was invited to join their bible study session last tuesday and it was the closest i ever got to God ever since coming here. the mission to find a church to settle down in here has always been weighing on my mind, but procrastination and an ill discipline prevented me from acting on it. i kept consoling myself thinking that God will understand -- after all, i've been through so much here, right? where do i find the energy to go around looking for a church? despite my laziness and procrastination, God is ALWAYS good. knowing that i'm such a huge lazy bum and inactive Christian, he never abandoned me. instead of waiting on me to make the move, he brought the church to me, in the most amazing way. there were moments i felt abandoned, sure, but looking back, it was totally easy to join the dots and understand why he allowed me to go through what i did. if i didnt go through ordeals, if i wasnt pushed beyond my limits, if i wasnt totally crushed, i would never have seen through the fact that i needed Him so much. being the proud person that i am, i tend to think that i'm self-sufficient and able to do anything i wanted to. and that's when i miss the point about my faith -- All things are possible with Him.

the bible study session was exactly what i needed to hear -- forgiveness. sure, my in laws treated me unfairly. sure, my in laws were wrong in many ways (from my perspective). sure, i wish justice would get to my in laws. but that wouldnt be the kind of person God would have wanted me to be. for all the injustice, suffering, and anger i felt, Jesus felt it a million times worse. yet, He loved enough to bear everything upon himself just so our we can reconnect to God despite our sinful nature, through Him. if i say that i love God, then surely i'll have to try everything i can to be the Christian he would like me to be. and specifically in this situation, i'm sure God would have wanted me to forgive the people who have hurt me (terribly) instead of bearing deep grudges against them and feeling the anger myself. during the bible study session, one particular phrase struck me instantly: unforgiveness is like drinking poison while hoping that your enemy dies. indeed, when i'm unable to forgive someone, the other person doesnt suffer in any way that i hope for, but instead, i'm causing more misery and bitterness in my own life. talk about being fair to myself...

so, with renewed hope and faith, i decided to embark on a mission to forgive my in laws. it is and will be very difficult, i know. i'm not Jesus. my strength, patience, and courage are nowhere near His and i cant even imagine how i'm ever going to accomplish this. it is also extremely challenging for me because the pain from their hurtful words and actions is very real, and still very stinging. but knowing that this is what God wants me to do, i'm confident that He will be behind me in my every single endeavor, and that He will provide everything i need to make the impossible possible. Chip Ingrim (author of the bible study video we watched) sums it up well: Forgiving someone is a 3-step process: first, it is a choice. you actively make the decision to forgive someone because it takes commitment and certain actions to fully accomplish it. second, the term "forgiving" suggests that it is a process, often a long-drawn one. we cannot expect ourselves to immediately forgive someone when we make the choice to. we need to go through a period of struggle because it is not an easy thing to do. finally, the act of forgiving is completed when you've forgiven your enemy. once you're able to rejoice as your "enemy" rejoices, and mourn when they mourn, you'll know you've forgiven them. of course, it is essential that one continually prays when going through this 3-step process so that our hearts and actions will be solely focused on the right thing God wants us to do.

 i started praying for my in laws for the first time last night..it felt very awkward and contrived because i still feel the anger. i find it hard to say my prayers sincerely because part of me is still hurt and angry at them for the horrible experience i went through..but i consider this not bad for a first attempt already. taking the first step is a significant step!

on a happier note, i realised that i'm beginning to experience God's peace slowly as i reconnect back with His word. it's a kind of peace i've never felt since coming here, and i knwo it's because He is my provider. i'm so glad that my relationship with my husband has improved a lot..although i know a huge part of it is because of my in laws' absence, it's also God working through me so i'm not as severely depressed and agitated as before. it's hard to work on the marriage with a baby crying for attention, milk, comfort, etc. almost all the time, so i really treasure whatever little time i have alone with the husband. there were many times i regretted not waiting it out before having a kid, just so we can spend more quality time together to build a strong foundation for our marriage before scrambling to juggle time between kid, work, and rest. but other times, seeing the smile of our son and his chubby cute face convinces me that all the hard work is worth it.

let's hope we have better days ahead of us! :-)