i cant believe the number of good things happening to me..and i cant believe i'm beginning to take so much joy in the small things i used to take for granted in the past. for instance, i never thought much about being able to watch a movie with my husband before the baby came along..but now, i'm feelign excited like a little girl knowing that we're going to have a precious 4 hour-session to ourselves watching Exodus movie and probably a meal together. i used to also not treasure my time very well, wasting it on procrastination and other frivolous stuff like getting angry over trivial matters, but now i fully comprehend the importance of time and refuse to let even a single minute go to waste. in other words, i find myself less lazy than before haha..
words cannot express how thankful and grateful i am to the angels God has sent me. i dont deserve so much goodwill and kindness from people i'm only starting to know, but yet God is so gracious. i think the grace of God can be said like this: Giving you blessings you dont deserve, and not giving you the punishment you deserve. i've fallen short on so many things that i am embarrassed to say it out myself, but regardless of how shameful i am of my sins, i know that God always loves me. and it's amazing how He shows His love through the people around me. for example, i know of many Singaporean wives here that would die to even get to know wives of the ang moh officers, and would gladly butter them up as if it's their hobby; but i did absolutely nothing and am now sort of in the circle of these ang moh wives. of course i dont see any additional benefits of knowing them and their husbands, but i know that God brought these people to my life for a reason. it's no coincidence that these people are sincere, kind, and modest despite their positions in the military. i've learnt a lot from being in their bible study group and their selfless actions.
i'm also thankful for my husband who is ever supportive and loving, even though there were times that he didnt express himself well enough. looking back, there were occasions that i felt hurt by his words and actions, but there's not a tinge of hate nor unforgiveness toward him because i dont think i would have done it as well as he did. i'm faced with the pressure of transiting into motherhood, and the in laws issue back then, and already i crumbled. he had work, studies, fatherhood, me, and his parents. i cant imagine the amount of pressure he must have felt and how difficult it must have been for him to still provide me that much support and love. from my own selfish perspective, i would have felt that whatever amount of support and love he gave was insufficient because i constantly felt insecure. but when i take a step back and look at the bigger picture, i realised that what he gave was everything he had. he gave me everything he had, and perhaps even more. i honestly dont think that i deserve a husband as committed, loyal, and loving as him..and i cant believe how blessed i must be to meet him, fall in love with him, marry him, and have a baby with him despite my very poor relationship record, and exposing all my flaws to him in such a short matter of time. all i can say is that my husband is a very accepting person :-)
my goal to forgive my in laws is still ongoing, still not getting any easier, and i caught myself still being bitter about it a couple of occasions. whenever my family asks about my feelings regarding them, i find myself recalling every single detail of the hurt i experienced. nothing wrong with that, except that i'm so focused on the pain that i would sometimes turn sarcastic and say things like, "as long as they're not here, i'll be well and fine", or "if they were here, i would not have been able to do this, that, etc.." i'm still praying and asking God to give me the strength, courage and grace to do this...i definitely cant do this on my own. when my husband suddenly decided to stop contacting his parents and saying that he wont recognise his family back in SG, a part of me felt comforted that he was doing "justice" to me after all i went through, but i knew also that wasnt the right thing to do. i'm sure if God had to choose between justice and love, He would choose love. besides, if we were to take justice into our own hands, we'll be denying God of his rightful role of being the ultimate judge. i believe the bible when it says "leave room for God's wrath", and "to always overcome evil with good". i cant believe when i spoke up for his parents because that didnt feel like me at all..but i think it was the Holy Spirit that led me to doing the right thing.
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