i never would have thought that i'd allow myself to go through so much grievances, day after day, and still grit my teeth through it and give the other parties the respect i dont feel is due. i'm never a believer of "respect your elders" because too many elders have taken the phrase too liberally and abused it whenever they want to "pull their rank". Just because you're older is no license to impose your selfish ways onto juniors. what's the point in "respecting your elders" when you only do it superficially but deep down you harbor a grudge or disagree completely with what they're doing? the point of respecting is so that it furthers and improves the relationship..but if the respect is demanded and not genuinely coming from the heart, then it's all for a show. also, respect should be a mutually reciprocal thing, if we are to blindly "respect your elders", then respect becomes a one-way traffic where obviously only the elders benefit because they can get away with whatever they say/do, and then still say, "respect your elders".
instead of "respect your elders", i prefer to "give respect, but dont be afraid of asking for it too" because that is the way relationships can be improved.
after much suppression and receiving not much understanding from my son's father, i've to be honest with myself that i'm unable to accept my in laws. too many times i kept trying to convince myself that i can overlook all the problems and embrace their everything for my husband. i tried to focus on my husband rather than them because it gave me greater motivation. i did all this while trying to manage my PPD..it would not be an understatement to say that this is definitely one of the toughest life journeys i've been on so far..unfortunately, my efforts were all in vain. my husband says that my best is not enough, i'm the one picking a fight, and that i cant stand up to a "test". true, my best is not enough. for his standards. i took 2 and a half painstaking years (on top of MANY frequent psychiatric and counselor visits) to recover from my previous depression, and now he wants me to do that within a fraction of that time. if i cant do it, my best efforts are not enough.
i dont understand how i can be picking a fight when all i've been doing is try to avoid one. it would have been a lot easier if i allowed myself to be blunt and straightforward with my in laws because putting on a mask is simply tiring business. not to mention there is much accumulated frustration inside of me, and it just makes the pretending so much harder. but i stupidly chose the hard way and kept it all to myself instead so he wont have to hear my complains every single day and feel helpless and suffering. i chose to keep my silence because i believed that his ignorance will be his bliss. but i was wrong. he took that as a sign that i'm picking a fight. perhaps i could have done better at the pretending business by not even showing a single hint of unhappiness..i honestly wish i could have done that, but i'm only human.
i understand how a strong relationship should be able to stand up to any test..but i just dont see how this is a 'test' other than pushing my buttons deliberately. my biggest gripe is the cleanliness issue (not just for myself, but more importantly for the health of the little one), and if this trigger point keeps getting deliberately tested again and again, what is so surprising about me being unhappy all the time? what i'm feeling should be totally understandable..it feels as if my house is invaded and dirtied every day. also, everyone has their trigger point, and why would anyone keep challenging it in the name of "test" just to see if the relationship is strong enough? isnt the whole point of relationship about understanding your partner (trigger points included) and make it work for the both of you? for example, if my husband's friend understands that his trigger point is me and keeps pushing this button, and my husband eventually finds it hard to keep this friend, does it mean that my husband has failed the friendship test? NO! this means that this friend is a jerk and not worth keeping any way.
counting down, there are only 13 days left to their departure. i have many mixed feelings about that coming day...on one hand, i cant wait for that to happen because i know i'll finally be able to feel like i own the house again. on the other, i think i'll feel sad because they're leaving on an unhappy note. despite all my protests and unhappiness, i genuinely wish things could have been different -- i wish there were no cleanliness issues for me to fuss about, or i dont have an issue with cleanliness (but that wouldnt be me), or no baby issues to fuss about, etc. i really wish i could say that i love my in laws and have the best in laws ever. but that only exists in an ideal world..in reality, we all have to deal with the ugliness of human nature, be it them or myself or my husband.
as an objective check, i'm truly grateful for their care and concern all this while. i know they came wanting to help...but their lifestyle habits and practices dont align with mine, and it'll be too much to expect them to change overnight just for me. in all honesty, i believe they tried their best to compromise (i've never seen them clean their own house like they do mine) for me, but unfortunately i'm brought up too differently and am still not used to their interpretation of "clean". also because growing up, i never allowed myself to be constantly nagged at by my parents or anyone else. when they did this with me, the feeling was unbearable. it felt like i was always trying to contain an explosion. my husband had absolutely no problem with it because clearly, he was brought up this way and is more than used to it.
i dont find myself looking forward to the Vegas trip as much as i did before..i looked forward to the quality time we'll have as a family. but the only family i feel right now and right here is my son and no one else...after being accused of not being good enough, picking a fight, and not standing up to tests, i no longer feel like i have a husband anymore. he doesnt agree that he is taking the side of his parents, but he doesnt realise that his actions contradict everything he says. he says that he loves me the most and will always be on my side, but i'm the one he screams at, the one that he pushed, the one that he crushed emotionally. on the other hand, he would never even think of doing that to his parents. he says it's because his parents are doing us a favor and helping us out a lot already. am i not doing the same for him and the family? me taking care of his meals, the house, constantly caring for his health and running errands for him,.how come i am not entitled to the same privilege as his parents? i'm not trying to be calculative, but it just hurts a lot when your everything is taken for granted. i'm also not saying he should be screaming, pushing or crushing his parents emotionally...but these are things you shouldnt do to your wife too.
i've changed so much..i no longer fight for things i believe in anymore. maybe because as i grow, there are less and less things that i believe in. i used to believe that love must exist in a marriage..but i now understand why couples can still stay married without loving each other. in a marriage, things we do with our partner becomes routine and practical rather than loving and passionate. with a child, there is even less time for frivolous things like love and passion..i'd be happy if i had time to sleep, it's just unimaginable to go on a date with my husband anymore. love becomes a bonus, not a given, in a marriage because it is so hard to keep it, maintain it, much less grow it. it is entirely possible to see your husband as a family member but no longer feel the love anymore..especially for someone in my situation, having just been slapped by reality that i have neither the appreciation nor support from the person i used to love with my life.
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