pregnancy week 33

i think i have been getting better at managing my emotions -- things that used to annoy me for no apparent reason no longer do; i've also been more receptive to my husband's comforting rather than shut myself away entirely. i dont really know how i did it...it's not like i am intentionally doing it because usually, the more intentional i am, the less control i have (does that even make sense?) so i decided to just let nature takes its course. All this while, i guess i'm more focused on the reason i chose to be with you for the rest of my life at the beginning. since being more aware that your intentions/motivations is always for the better of me/us, i couldnt find any reason to be annoyed/angry/sad, anymore. being more focused also meant that i'm always looking out and remembering all the sacrifices you've made for us, the kind of wonderful husband you are, and how lucky i am compared to many other women whose husbands lose interest in their own wives completely after marriage and would not put in any effort to maintain it. Perhaps these positive thoughts are so overwhelming they push out any other unwanted, negative emotions that i used to indulge myself in. 

recently, i might have been a bit more insecure and erratic because i'm feeling the tension and anxiety from the nearing of my delivery date. it's a huge mix of emotions i cannot even fully comprehend myself. and i definitely have not felt anything remotely like this before. sometimes, i'm excited and super impatient about meeting our little one. other times, i feel scared and doubtful about my ability to take care of such a tiny being. not to mention the unimaginable pain all mothers go through during delivery. My nemesis, pain, is a big reason of why i feel scared about the impending D-day. i know for sure i'm going to need my husband very much, which is why when you're not around, i feel even more scared trying to imagine the situation i'll be in in about 7 more weeks. but i also know it's unrealistic for me to expect you to be there for me 24/7 because i'd rather you save up your leave for more important occasions such as road-tripping. 

The nearing of my delivery date also means that your parents will be coming over soon..i know we both made the decision of inviting them over, but somewhere in my heart i'm still apprehensive about how this decision will pan out. having to spend a huge amount of money to do this means i'll probably be less tolerant of potential stress or trauma resulting from their coming over because, if i'm going to go through even more stress with them around, why would i want to spend so much money in the first place? wouldnt it be more logical for me to save the money and also reduce the stress i'll have to go through in a difficult period? anyways, it's still premature for me to assume that their coming over will mean more stress..there is of course a possibility that their presence will ease the burden on me for the first 2 months. that's if i manage to get past their relentless nagging on how i cannot eat fried food/snacks/salt/etc and learn to ignore it, and be totally zen about their lack of knowledge on what i should or should not eat while breastfeeding. last i heard, they wanted me to drink D.O.M (40% alcohol) during pregnancy and right after delivery because they believe it helps with my health. perhaps so, but what about the health of my little one? i always get super frustrated and annoyed whenever they recommend something that will disastrously affect my baby (without thinking) because there's so much maternal instincts in me right now and i cant help being super protective of my baby even before he is born. that's nature's way of ensuring that offspring are well taken care of. 

it's only 12th Aug but i already cant wait for the long weekend on 1st Sep. Having you around just makes things much better..