As usual, we quarrelled a couple of times since i last wrote, and it got so so bad i couldnt control myself and my thoughts anymore. it's scary just thinking back about it, what exactly happened, why did you and i turn into such irrational and highly emotional people, etc. i've read that spiritual warfare can manifest itself in this form, especially when your life becomes too distant from God. i still want to blame it on the different environment here in the USA...i've utterly underestimated the challenges i'd face here as a first-time mom, and not adequately prepared myself for the kind of lifestyle here. i consider myself quite an independent person back in SG because i'm able to travel to places and eat meals all by myself. I'm not the kind that constantly requires company to do every single thing. i'm also able to cook occasionally, wash my own clothes (if i want to, haha) and make decisions for myself. i was confident that moving to the USA will not be a challenge at all...i wish i was right. just the fact that i still dont have a driver's license is limiting in all sense of the word. i cant get to places and run simple errands like getting the groceries because the distance is just too great (or the weather is being overly harsh). i am constantly relying on my husband to do every single thing, much as i didnt want to. basically, i cant get to anywhere on my own--no going to the library, recreational classes that might have helped to meet basic human needs such as social interaction, or occupying my time so that my thoughts are not just focused on the misery of living here. cooking and washing are much less challenging in comparison to my immobility, but it was still not easy being thrust into an environment where i have to cook and wash on a daily (or sometimes even hourly) basis. back in SG, i could sit back and be lazy if i really didnt feel like cooking or washing. here, both my husband's health and myself depends on my discipline to plan, cook and wash every day. i cant afford to be lazy for even a single day because that'll mean we have no home-cooked food. actually, the bigger problem here is having to eat super unhealthy and crappy food out there in Mountain Home. Such strict discipline is defintiely not something i'm used to...
Because i hadnt foreseen all these nitty gritty challenges that i have to go through, i've lost sense of the amount of stress i put on myself so far. And because i've lost sense of this, i am unaware of how highly strung i've become, and i dont take a step back to do some checks and balances on my own mental state.
enough of boring rant...i seem to complain and whine about the same thing over and over again. ok, i get it. i dont find anything here that's attractive. o rmaybe i find everything here revolting. (except Five Guys)
Since going into my 3rd trimester i've been addicted to eating. junk food, mostly. i crave for foods high in sugar or salt, which are both bad for my growing baby and of course, myself. but what to do when i am all alone in the house 5 days out of a week?? i tried controlling, and reminding myself of the terrible consequences such bad eating habits would have on my baby and myself, but deprviation only makes me feel so much more miserable than i already am. making my usual home-cooked food fills my stomach, but not my soul. i feel so bad just writing about this...how could i continue to let such bad eating habits harm my baby..i need help to control this bad addiction, really! :-(
not much more to whine about for now...
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