impending motherhood

As D-day draws nearer, i feel closer to being a real mom than being just another pregnant lady. And because of that, my emotions have been raging and my perspective on life has taken a drastic change. I realised I've become a lot more sensitive to others' insensitive comments, especially those that carry insinuations about how i am not being a good mother, or those that are full of self-righteousness in the way they mother their own kids. Prior to getting pregnant, i might have judged parents more than i should, just because i think i know more about child psychology (thanks to my profession) than some parents do. But my perspective on this has definitely changed ever since i was mid-way through my pregnancy..Through all the numerous struggles and sacrifices all mothers go through by virtue of being pregnant, i now know that parenthood isnt something that can be summed up in books or the appearance of a situation. One would not know the ordeals and trials mothers go through just by "looking" at how a mother talks to her child, or by "observing" how a child  behaves. Motherhood is a difficult mix of trying to balance your own needs (maybe sometimes wants) versus your child's. And i am confident that most responsible mothers tilt toward satisfying her child's needs over hers, often leading to frustrations and a sense of lack of fulfillment in her own life (which can be very unapparent to non-discerning outsiders/observers). But too many times we just expect and take it for granted that all mothers SHOULD ALWAYS sacrifice her own needs to take care of their children that we completely disregard the fact that mothers are human beings who need taking care of too. Dysfunctional mothers (resulting from a lack of care) dont make good mothers in my opinion. How can a mother who is constantly frustrated and blaming the whole world about not being able to go out on a nice date night with husband be a caring and loving mother at the same time? Even if that's possible, it might actually indicate the possibility of a bipolar disorder than capability...

So i've learned to take a step back, and give other mothers the privacy and discretion to indulge their kids in technology (ipad, TV, smartphone, etc.) without being judgmental and jumping in to criticise them for their lack of resolve and ignorance on how technology hinders proper child development. They could be facing a hard day and desperately needed a moment of sanity where the child is not crying incessantly and demanding everything in the world. They could also be exploring alternative modes of education within a certain time frame in a day/week which other mainstream psychologists have not yet discovered the benefits of. Whatever it is, it is simply not my job nor my right to judge. All responsible mothers want the best for their kid(s), and i have no doubt that they will make the best-informed decision based on what the society is telling her (or not). And i think no matter what decisions mothers make (and whether we agree with them), one thing we should always give credit for, is that responsible mothers are ALWAYS trying, ALWAYS compromising to find that delicate balance. God knows how much effort is needed to always have to talk to yourself in your own head, reconciling the difficulties, and convincing yourself of the pros of your decisions. Of course, there are mothers who clearly prioritise their own needs way above those of her own kid and completely neglect their motherly duties..such as smoking while being pregnant or in front of young babies/kids, getting drunk every so often and beating their own kids up, etc..i cant promise that i wont judge these parents if i come across one.

i was particularly disturbed and upset the other day when i went for a gathering at one of my husband's coworkers' place for a mooncake festival celebration. Although i am not close to any of them, i am still open to socializing on occasions. So a mother of two and another expecting approached and asked how i've been coping with my pregnancy so far..appreciating their concern, i responded honestly by telling them how much of a struggle GD has been for me, and how disappointed i've been with the base hospital for not being responsible enough to inform me promptly of my worsening condition. But i was naive to assume that anyone who hears my story would be sympathetic enough to provide some comfort and assurances. Needless to say, what met me wasnt sympathy nor empathy, but a series of disguised criticisms. They both chided me for not eating healthily before based on the few occasions they saw me drinking coke (before i was told i had GD), and completely absolved the hospital of all blame. I was too shocked to even begin defending myself, but on hindsight i still dont think there's any point in defending myself to people who dont matter in my life and who have already given me the death sentence.

I had always thought that mothers should be able to understand the difficulties on being one and be less harsh on other women in the same boat. But that day my assumptions were badly rocked. Clearly, there are mothers who treat motherhood as a competition to outshine others who do not go through the same decision-making process, and will not hesitate to put down others in distress just to make them feel good about themselves. Masturbating themselves in public, thats what i think it is. Except that in masturbating, you do not directly hurt anyone because it is such a private act. i get that you have excellent resolve in rejecting sugary soft drinks and caffeinated beverages, and you're such a good mother! *standing ovation* feel good already?

That incident bothered me for days...and it's so hard for me to confide in anyone about it because truth be told, i was very guilt-tripped. Although i had the intelligence to discern the self-righteousness and hypocrisy of their remarks, i still couldnt help feeling like i did not take care of my baby at the back of my head. it takes virtually nothing to make me feel guilty about not taking care of my baby in the first place because i've always had (and still do) high expectations of myself being a mother..the remarks just resulted in an explosion of guilt, and self-blame altogether. i think i was finally able to pull myself together because i kept praying about it, knowing by faith that whatever trials i'm put through, God has already provided me with the strength and resources needed to overcome them. Besides, what kind of an example am i leading for my child if i succumbed to destructive remarks/people all the time? Such remarks and people are forever around, but that doesnt mean we give up our ground and give power and authority to them instead. I need to relinquish the control that such remarks/people have over me so they become powerless and absolutely insignificant..

i am officially 38 weeks now and cant wait to meet my perfect son in another 2 weeks' time or sooner! we've gotten almost everything ready in the nursery room, just waiting for the star of our lives to arrive and fill the void up :-) I think playing Savage Garden's "I knew I loved you" now will be very apt hahaha..