Letters to my son #2

Dear Luke,

it is the 22nd day since you were born, and the journey thus far still feels very surreal. I remember you looking so full of curiosity when i first held you in my arms, your eyes darting around as if to check out the new environment you're suddenly thrown in. but i especially love that you immediately recognised me from a sea of new faces and voices. i knew from your eye contact that you know me as your mother, and the love i feel for you is so strong and irreplaceable. your chubby cheeks are my next favorite, not just because they remind me that you're truly my son, but also because it makes you infinitely cuter than any other babies in the world. daddy is also very happy that you got my wavy hair in addition to the chubby cheeks! you're truly the greatest joy i've ever given you daddy.

as the days blur into weeks, you've grown so much from that helpless, tiny little creature that i remember you first as. at week 3, your appetite has gone on to 2 - 3 ounces per feeding (with inconsistent intervals because at times you're a hungry little monster, and other times, anti-feeding little monster), your face has taken on a slightly different look (you're looking a bit more like daddy now!), and you have gotten quite a temper! that's when i realise you're no longer the newborn who would just wait on us to feed or change you, you have quite a mind of your own already, and are not afraid to express it (in a loud wailing fashion). I've tried to give you the best of me (a.k.a. breastmilk) and you appear to like it so much that you would always fall asleep while suckling for 5 - 10 mins..i tremendously enjoy the bonding time we have whenever i breastfeed you, but it also worries me to no end that you may not be getting enough. after you're done with both breasts, i would take much longer to burp you and before i know it, you're up wailing for the next feed!

taking care of you isnt always sweet though...there are times when i cry and feel miserable over a life so different now. i have to give up sleep and sometimes meals to feed, change or comfort you. i cant rest knowing that you're not well and comfortable. your mood determines my mood, and your comfort level IS my comfort level. before i had you, i always wanted to be the firm disciplinarian parent, but since having you, i realised it's much harder than i imagined. your cries break my heart and i would fuss whenever you're fussing too. but for your sake, i need to try and be more like daddy -- taking a firm stand when you're throwing a tantrum. you may still be too young to throw a tantrum, but we believe you're clever enough to know who you can "bully" already!

as hard as it is for me right now and the forseeable future, i will try my very best to savor every moment i have now with you because this moment is too precious. this moment, too, will pass. there will come a day when you're no longer reliant on me for survival, no longer crying out for my attention, no longer yearning to be carried by me, and no longer enjoying me talking to you in a funny high pitched voice. but for now, you are my baby, and i will enjoy every moment i have with you.

love,
mommy