how is it possible that i feel such a weird mixture of emotions toward motherhood now that i officially have my kid in hand: i love my son dearly, but i am terrified of the commitment and responsibility toward him. So much that when i fell really sick with a high fever, i'm actually secretly happy that that means i have a valid reason to avoid the responsibility for a bit. i feel bad saying that already...it's not that i hate or dislike changing his diaper, feeding him the bottle, or cuddling him to sleep; in fact, i most enjoy breastfeeding him, despite the nightmare that comes along with it, because that moment is specially for us only. i like feeling his skin against mine, and knowing that i am the one who is caring for and protecting him from harm. but since he is mostly an impatient baby, he leaves me very little time (and, sanity) to try and second-guess what's bothering him. I would first try feeding him to see if it is the hunger issue, then burp him if feeding doesnt work out (hardest part of all since he doesnt enjoy the position for burping at all, and would exert his whole body's strength to resist it), check his diaper to see if there's too much poop, and lastly, rock him to sleep in case he is fussing from being too tired. there is absolutely no correct equation to figuring out his "problem" when crises arise, and i would have to pray and hope i somehow get it right immediately. a delay in addressing his problem will mkae his fussiness worse because he would get a lot more gas in his stomach and grow more impatient (and angry). very often, while trying to diagnose the cause of his distress in between his deafening wails, i get completely exhausted and defeated at the 3rd unsuccessful attempt. besides feeling a sense of failure, i also worry what could be causing him to cry so badly other than the usual diaper, milk and sleep issue. Most of the time, i'd say it's the gas issue, but treating it is so hard because he would refuse to cooperate and resist with even more crying and strength. having to confront this sense of failure, worry, helplessness, and fear while caring for him is what keeps me apart from him. i dont think anyone enjoys having to confront these feelings, and if given an option, would rather choose not to have it. and there i was, facing it day in day out, and on occasions, all alone because i'd be too stubborn to admit that i need help.
sometimes i just wish i had a baby-meter that would read accurately for me a baby's cry language. i think deciphering your child's cry takes patience (lots of it!), experience, and perhaps even trial and error. i can only try my best to observe his behavior and deduce his discomfort, but it's not been always a success for me. the only time i'm proud of myself for actually knowing what he wants is the nipple of the feeding bottle. whenever he struggles to get the nipple off his mouth despite still being clearly hungry, i get more and more puzzled, until it struck me that he was probably frustrated from the far-too-slow flowing nipple and therefore refuse to feed. ever since we switched to the faster-flowing nipple, feeding time has been much less traumatic and quicker. i wish there were more of such moments where i could be proud of myself..
my husband is right that my coping mechanism whenever i meet problems in life is to first run away and avoid it altogether. actually, this has been the way i've handled the biggest problem i have growing up -- living under the terror and fear of my dad. as a very young child, what i went through was tremendously hard to deal with, and i've learned by instinct that avoiding the problem was the best solution for myself. for instance, when my dad was in super agitated and bad mood, nothing i do or say (no matter how correct or nicely put) will protect me from his beatings and verbal abuse. the only way would be to get out of the house and be out of his sight. many times, my mom and siblings would warn each other about the "weather" and we would all stay out of his presence. in a way, i was "trained" to run away from the fear of my dad rather than confront it. honestly speaking, confronting this fear would be unimaginable and impossible for someone my age and size. it would hardly be surprising that i'd get killed for doing so because he nearly did it to my brother for no reason at all. how my brother handled it with nonchalance is beyond me..but i think that's also the reason why he is always so aloof and by himself since young.
i know using my growing-up experience is a lousy attempt at trying to justify my coping mechanism, and i'm trying every single day to try a better one. it's an uphill task, considering that no one really warned me about the hazards of always trying to escape, and i was never really aware of how damaging it would be for my long-term future. but i'm thankful my husband is here to gently remind me and patiently support me all the way while i embark on this mission.
i think the biggest change i'd have to make to my perception is letting go of irrational fear. growing up with fear, it's been all too familiar and normal to have it in my life, and i'd feel fearful if i didnt actually feel any fear! as a result of that, i am obsessed with wanting to be in control of my life, and sometimes, my family's life. i believe that if things go according to my plan, then i wouldnt have to face the fear that i'm fearful of. for example, to avoid the fear of sickness and suffering, i'd ensure that i clean my hands as often as possible (while making sure my family does that too), not sit on the bed while still in "dirty clothes", separate washed linen from used ones, etc..but life has taught me that things dont always go according to plan -- and when that happens, what do i do? thats why i get ultra jittery whenever there is uncertainty, because i wouldnt be able to plan my next course of action. or when things change unexpectedly, i get super lost and frustrated because not being in control of things meant that i'd have to face my fear, to me. to stop obsessing about every single thing in life, i'll have to give up relating control with security, and enjoy the uncertainty of life rather than be crippled by it. it's true what my husband said -- if i take a genuine interest in fear, i'll have a gazillion things to fear, but that wouldnt be productive at all.
here's a reminder for myself for the rest of the week: i'll stop thinking that my baby will be majorly harmed under the care of my mom-in-law.
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