Approaching our 1-year anniversary

So much has happened since the last time i wrote in May..for obvious reasons (cuz 5 months have passed). To safekeep my memory in case i lose it one day due to dementia or whatever other reasons, the past 5 months have seen us weathering through even more storms and reaching a life-changing decision. There were many times that we fought over my emotions (again), sometimes to the verge of never seeing each other again. I also remember there was one time that I felt so frustrated about you being 'sian' whenever you're out with me, that you really genuinely scolded me for the very first time. Apparently you have been suppressing your unhappiness of going out with me almost every weekend because when you finally released it, it came out uncensored. I thought i could die at that moment because you've never made me feel so unwanted before. i dont exactly remember how we made it up after that, but we did anyways!

Somewhere, somehow, in the midst of my inconsistent emotions you decided that you'd like to live with instability for the rest of your life. While i admire your courage and resolution, and am deeply grateful for the reciprocal love you have shown me, i must say your proposal plan was one of the most unimpressive. Slipping the ring on my finger right after i woke up from an afternoon nap and proclaiming that we are henceforth married doesnt come across as a very well-planned and creative attempt. But i was finally bought over by your determination and your "it isnt about what i can give you now, but everything that i will give you after we are married" that saved the otherwise dull proposal. I still proudly boast about how sincere, loving and practical you are despite everyone around me thinking that your proposal plan was insincere and boring. I am glad that you follow a set of principles and beliefs that is so close to my heart, and you're not blindly following what most others out there do, just to play safe. It takes a boy to follow societal norms, but it takes a man to go against it for good reasons.

Although i keep saying i cant trust that you will keep your word of not leaving me, trust me i already have. if i really havent, i wouldnt have planned my life all around our future and committed my entire life toward serving and being with you. i'm just saying out loud my doubts because i am a whiny person by nature haha. What i am saying is, i cant trust myself to be a good wife who doesnt break out in random emo episodes. I know you will make good your word (and in the event if you cant, it must be due to valid reasons), but the question here is whether i will be able to make the process of your fulfillment easier or difficult. Of course i'd very much like to manage my emotions better so that your load is lighter. But i really dont know how long i will take to completely recover from decades of mismanagement of emotions. i've heard people saying that it takes decades for one to completely change their personality...i hope mine will not take that long. Also, to view it positively, i see these episodes as the building blocks to helping me get better in the future because you can quote them as evidence of your unconditional love and i will then no longer have any reason to believe that you will leave me. i tend to snap out of that emo mode quicker once the critical and aggressive voice in me gets 'out-witted'. i have tried my best to counter that voice myself but as you can tell, i probably havent been very successful hahaha...will be really helpful (i think) if you could help me along as well. i dont know whether this will be helpful but during desperate times like this, i think there is no harm trying at all.

Thank you for standing by me even during my darkest moments in life. In return, the only and the best things i can give you is my time and commitment. i will stand firm by your side even when you feel i could have been better off elsewhere.  except when you air your armpits and flash your butt hole at me.