it's been just slightly more than a month since we got here, but all this while felt much longer. i'm sure it's because i'm now officially a stay-home wife who doesnt have much to occupy time with, except the routine every day (cook, wash and clean). it felt refreshing at first (for the beginning 2 weeks, maybe), but as time slowly crawls by, it turned into laziness, then boredom, and frightening. I dont know if there will be further stages after the "frightening" part, only time will tell. it's an emotional struggle within myself whenever i kiss my husband goodbye for work. this huge house that we've both worked so hard to build, and will store many of our beautiful memories together, becomes an intimidating enemy that i have to fight every weekday (or weekends when my husband gets called down for extra work). I have to think of ways to not feel imprisoned during the times that i have to be alone..i would find as much housework as possible and complete them so i dont have to feel the pain of staring at the clock every 5 minutes. but i cant possibly find enough housework that would last the 12 hours my husband is usually away for. so i shift my attention to reflecting on all my experiences so far...there're some good reflections i've gotten, but it gets scary when all of a sudden, something snaps and all my thoughts spiral downward into negativity. it's so easy to get sucked into this bottomless pit-hole of depression when there's no one physically there to bail you out. i did consider chatting with my friends in SG but the time difference just doesnt allow me to get their company at a time when i need them the most. i'd hate to think that i'm falling back into depression again (or perhaps pre-natal depression this time), but there're times when i really think i need help. unfortunately, help is the rarest (or maybe even non-existent) luxury i can find on here. my husband is already so burdened with work and my emotional outbursts that i have never even considered sharing with him this.
i love our baby, and cant wait to meet him this september, but there've been times when i'm scared of meeting him too. i try not to focus on being scared, but it's not always successful because i think my worries are legitimate. firstly, i worry about the physical ordeal i've to go through - i'm easily the least pain-tolerant person i know of..even injections scare me and feel like the most painful thing. i cant imagine having to cope with the pain level all mothers have to go through during delivery!! will i survive? will i want to give up? will it be too late? secondly, i worry about not being able to cope with the baby when he arrives, regardless how much i like to believe i can cope. i've very stubbornly refused the idea of bringing over my in-laws because i've decided to prioritise our financial needs above needing extra pairs of hands for help during the first few months of the baby. i also dont think that i'll be okay with my in-laws' lifestyle and choices and am worried it'll cause more distress to me than comfort and assurance if they were to come over...but what these all mean is that we'll have to find a way to make it work. to convince myself, i think of all the people who would have had life harder than me (e.g. single moms, full-time working moms, families with severe financial difficulties, etc.) and that i'm really not in a desperate/helpless situation. after all, jx will be taking a month off to help me in whatever ways possible so i'm not really alone. i hope i'm not oversimplifying the difficulties new mothers have to go through...but i also really want to rise up to this challenge and give myself an opportunity of growth and maturing. the only thing i'm worried about is the cost of wanting this "growth period"..would it come at the cost of my husband's sanity? would it come at the cost of not knowing how to take care of a newborn properly? i need to find a balance where i can experience the growth that i want, and also minimise the damaging effects at which this process may come at..
every day, i am thankful and appreciative for a wonderful husband like jx. though i complain and whine about his weird antics at times, i know i'm just being an idiot because no one is perfect and i can say for sure my flaws are way more serious than his hahaha..baby, my emotional outbursts has got nothing to do with the person you are, but more to do with my own insecurities and negative thinking. i know how much you give to make our marriage a wonderful one, and i know how much you will love us for the rest of your life. it pains me so much that i wanted to die when you cried your heart out each time we cant resovle our quarrels..i dont know what to do or feel anymore every time i see you in that state..
God, please help us to see light in a gloomy situation like this..instil in us your peace, love and joy so that we may live each day optimistically and radiate Your awesomeness as true joyful christians :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment