Ever since i tested positive for pregnancy about 3 weeks ago, i've been feeling so upbeat and excited about what's going to come! All of a sudden, the idea that i'm a married woman felt a lot more real, as if i needed a child to validate my already married status. It is such a warm, fuzzy feeling to know and be able to feel that a life is now growing in your tummy...i cant believe how blessed i must be to be able to have a child as i have wished. It makes me even happier knowing that you'll be the father of my precious baby.
It is also comforting to realise that the frequency of our quarrels have decreased drastically with the coming of this child. I know i have my mood swings, but you have generously taken a gentler stance toward my unpredictable emotions and have not come down as hard on me as before. You've always been caring toward me, but you've become even more caring (how's that even possible) nowadays. Whatever my food cravings are, you'll always satisfy my tastebuds so that we dont have to go hungry. My greatest wish, however, is that you'll still be able to accept and love me for the person i am after i grow fat from all this irregular eating and huge food intake. I promise to try my best and keep healthy after delivery, but who knows whether i can really lose those fat i put on during pregnancy :-( I feel sad just thinking about how much i have to give up for the baby...giving up my favorite food (sashimi), giving up my love for hot yoga classes, giving up the freedom to do a lot more things because i was much less lethargic and nauseous, giving up my clear skin because i had less raging hormones, giving up my figure because that's like the last thing on my mind right now...it's amazing how much mothers have to go through, and i really respect all dedicated mothers out there. I know eventually i will come to terms with motherhood and be able to accept all that i've to give up, but at this early stage, i cant deny that i feel very fearful about all that i'm about to lose. my only hope is that regardless of what i become in the future, be it a fatter me, haggard-looking old woman, sagging breasts etc., you will still love me the way you do now. i hope you wont forget that i was once that young, pretty and sexy girl you love and care for so much.
At week 6 and 6 days now, my nausea has taken a turn for the worse and i have already forgotten what it feels like to be a normal, healthy person. My food aversions have also increased as i find myself liking less and less food because the thought of most of them make me want to puke. The rate at which i experience fatigue hasnt changed much probably because i'm used to it by now (considering how fatigue started really early for me, even before i detected my pregnancy). The symptoms will most likely persist or worsen till after the first trimester is over (about 6 more weeks from now!), and i'm scared how much i can cope with all of it while having to work and planning for our wedding...but i know that God will grant me the strength to go though it all, if it is His will. Part of His providence is already very obvious--the fact that you're always there for me and helping me in every way imaginable is already a huge blessing from God. I really cant imagine any other guy fulfilling this role the way you do.
I hope that our baby will continue to grow well and by the time we meet him/her, we'll both be ready to be good parents! Seeing our baby's heartbeat for the first time on the ultrasound scan machine was so magical, i never knew something so tiny could have a heartbeat of its own, and knowing that it will continue to grow bigger in the future is still too much news for me to take! i feel like cuddling my 18mm long baby now already!!! but i will probably crush it hahaha...
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